Here is my query. I have brushed it up and would enjoy reading your comments.
Andrea Gardner
http://andreasquipsnquotes.blogspot.com/
I usually add the rest of my info but not on my blog. ;)
May 5, 2009
Dear Dream Agent,
I am seeking representation for my completed 87,250 word Inspirational Romance The One.
I chose to submit my query to you after reading your web page. (I usually add something about what I saw on their page or something about their blog to make it individual)
The One tackles the issue of trusting God and his will in our lives, set in a funny, romantic story.
Seth Locke opens his eyes to find he is no longer in his bed, and he is no longer on earth. He has been moved to Arland, a world where the people can see and hear their Guardian Angels. The Arlanders are unique; God’s will is spoken to them through their Guardians. He calls the Guardians to lead, guide and direct these people, and because they listen they are advanced in every way.
Seth is told he was brought to this new land to fulfill his calling, but that cannot happen until he finds the One woman God created for him. Seth is troubled by the urgency to find his One, and is intimidated by this new world. He feels drawn to Lilli, the first woman he meets, but is uncertain if she is his One. That would be too easy! As Seth falls deeper and deeper in love with Lilli, he questions her feelings for him. When Seth finds out Lilli has found her One, he assumes it is someone else and runs away demanding his Guardian send him back to Earth. He awakens on Earth forgetting everything about Arland, but troubled by dreams of a woman named Lilli, whom he searches for everywhere.
The One is my first novel. My resume includes multiple opportunities as a spokesperson and a peer counselor. I have spoken to groups as large as 3,000 people. I have also been the primary speaker for many multimedia presentations. I enjoy working with people of all ages and encouraging them to live their lives to the fullest in Christ.
I am in the process of submitting this query to multiple agents. I would be thrilled if you chose to represent me. I request permission to submit my full manuscript for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Andrea Gardner
In Memoriam: Janet Reid
2 weeks ago
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It's well written. I'm not sure about the length but it looks good.
ReplyDeleteMailed to me:
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea:
My initial impression of the query is that it's too lengthy, much more detailed than necessary. The length alone would suggest a less-than-professional understanding of what a query needs to do. Unfortunately, agents' first readers get rid of them pretty quickly.
I hope you don't take offense at my frankness; my viewpoint is that of a manuscript editor and former first reader. BTW, one of the best sources about query letters is Katharine Sands, THE PERFECT PITCH. She interviews more than 30 agents, so you get a broad view of agent preferences, yet all state certain pearls of wisdom over and over.
One more little suggestion: omit the adjective before 'unique.'
You're a good soul to invite feedback. My very best wishes for the work that lies ahead.
Chris
I thanked Chris for being honest and tightened it up a bit. What you read above is the result of the comments pasted here. Thanks!
This is another comment left on one of my Author boards.
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea,
I'm certainly no expert at query letters, but here's my two cents.
First of all, isn't 87,000 words kind of long for a YA novel? I know that
recently there have been a number of YA bestsellers that have been lengthy,
but for a first novel I'd think you'd want to go for something shorter.
And speaking of long, I think you need to tighten up your description of
your story. When I took part in Krista's blurb exercise last year, we were
limited to 150 words. You blurb runs almost twice that. The point of a query
isn't to tell all the details, but to give the agent just enough to make
them want to read more.
I'd leave out the paragraph that begins with "The One is my first novel." It
doesn't add anything to the pitch and I don't think it pays to make a point
of telling a potential agent that this is your first.
Likewise, I'd also leave out the paragraph that begins "I am in the process
of submitting to multiple agents." I think that's a given.
I'm sure others on the list will give you much more detailed critiques and
suggestions of how to improve your query. I like the premise and see the
potential for conflict and growth.
Elise
Hi Elise, Thanks for the feedback.
I’m not sure my book fits into the YA category. I have had many different ages read it and they all liked it. I don’t think a ten year old girl will enjoy it but a 14 yr old loved it. I then gave it to a 33 yr old and she was nuts for it. So I’m thinking of changing it to an Inspirational Romance with cross over potential.
I tightened up the ‘The One is my first novel.’ paragraph and added what remained to the next one. I have left in the ‘multiple agents’ sentence due to the large number of Agent blogs I found which requested the author to inform them on your plans for the queries. They want to know if they are exclusive or not.
Thanks again for your input. It was great and helped allot.
Blessings Andrea